At a rally in Pennsylvania today, President Trump unveiled a new item in his official Trump Store, www.TrumpedUp.gov. “This is gonna fly off the shelves!” claimed the president. “It’s fashionable; it’s healthy; it’s only $39.95 with your MAGA membership!”
He reached into a box, lifted out something very shiny, and placed it delicately on his head. “The new MAGA hat! The aluminum foil is specially shaped to repel viruses, germs, and radical leftist politicians!” he shouted with a laugh and glee in his voice. “It will also keep people away who are trying to attack you with vaccines – an added value.”
“Won’t it blow away in the wind?” asked a rally attendee with the old style MAGA hat. “I had one a them and it did.”
“Nope, not this one. It’s got an elastic band around the base so it will hold tightly to your head. And talking about wind, you can order one of the options: this colorful spinner that attaches to it. Looks great!”
“How much is that, and do you have a guarantee?” asked a woman with a TRUMP baseball version hat.
“We have five attachments and customizations, at $19.95 each. But wait, if you buy four, you get the fifth one free! And as for guarantees, you don’t need one. You heard what this hat will do for you from the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!”
“What about autism?” cried a voice a few dozen rows back.
“Sure! This hat will keep autism away. And if you or a loved one already have it, this hat will re-scramble your brain so you can think straight, like everybody else. All without chemicals or a battery! But I have to offer a word of caution.” After a somber pause, he said, “I only have a limited stock right now, just outside in the parking lot. We’re waiting for the next ship to come in, er, shipMENT I mean, from our AMERICAN supplier. So you’d better act fast!”
23 people were reported as casualties when the crowd ran for the exit, screaming and fighting for their place in line. 17 more were treated outside by EMTs when the purchase lines fell into chaos. Police subsequently made 14 arrests for theft and aggravated assault with an illegal firearm.
When told of the casualties and arrests, Trump said, “I knew this would be a best seller! But wait a minute; since when is any firearm illegal in our great country? I’ve got some pardoning to do.”