“Have they announced it yet? Did I get it?” President Trump asked his Press Secretary, Karoline Leavitt, for the third time this morning.
“Not yet, Mr. President. But any minute now. I don’t see how the Nobel Committee could possibly conclude otherwise.”
An aide rushed in, clutching a printout. Trump snatched the paper and read aloud: “‘Trump No-Bell Prize.’ Finally! Wait, what the heck does No-Bell’ mean?” He read on, his voice rising. “‘Bell Committee unanimously presents the Bell Peace Prize to Edwina Willonsky for her pioneering work in mediating conflicts in Africa.’ Africa? Who the hell cares about Africa?!”
After some frantic Googling, the aide returned, visibly sweating. “Sir, it seems we submitted your nomination to the wrong group. The philanthropic organization was formed by Lady Andressa Bell, a British heiress whose family owned large territories in South Africa.”
“I wanted the Nobel Prize! Carter got a Peace Prize. Obama got one! I just made peace in Gaza! Why not me? Call Norway! Tell them I’ll drop the tariffs on Norwegian salmon. No wait! On Norwegian Trolls! I’ll let American girls have unlimited trolls! Dozens of trolls in every household!”
The aide, shaking, offered some skepticism as to their acceptance of such an offer. After he was fired, another aide meekly explained that President Carter was honored for decades of humanitarian service. “I’m human,” claimed Trump, without evidence. “I’ve been servicing humans for decades! The best humans, more than anyone, believe me!”
Karoline tried to put it delicately. “Mr. President, but they typically look for people who support humanity as a whole, not just oneself and one’s friends – however noble that may be.”
“Forget it,” shouted Trump. “I don’t need their stinking trophy. It’s rigged anyway! I’m going to create my own prize: the Trump Peace Prize! Much classier. Gold-plated. Huge! And the first recipient will be – me!!!”
Later in the afternoon, the Trump Peace Prize was officially announced. According to the press release, the honor would be awarded annually to “individuals who demonstrate exceptional leadership in achieving peace through strength, superior deal-making, and an unparalleled commitment to winning.” The trophy, a 24-karat gold-plated miniature of Trump Tower, was already in production.
The Nobel Committee was not available for comment, as they’ve had their phones off the hook since the announcement.