**WASHINGTON** — President Trump boasted today about a cerebral examination in which he proclaimed unqualified victory, telling gathered reporters that he had achieved “marks so high, so incredible, that the testing professors wept at witnessing such raw intellectual dominance.”
The assessment was said to include 20 questions. Per official White House policy, the ones he missed were not to be counted, as they were “clearly trick questions designed by the Deep State.” The ones he answered correctly included: identifying the current day of the week, recalling the word “rhino,” and knowing that 10 is “a number that exists.”
One aide acknowledged that staff had recently been incorporating the day of the week into casual greetings with the President, such as greeting the President each morning by enthusiastically announcing what a wonderful [DAY OF THE WEEK] it was! “It’s just good practice,” the aide explained. “Keeps everyone oriented.”
“Rhino” was among three other words the President was asked to remember after a five-minute interval — during which a staffer held up a picture of a rhinoceros while another repeatedly whispered “rhino” while pretending to cough.
Congratulatory sentiments reportedly poured in from Congressional Republicans, members of the Cabinet, White House staff, various internet bloggers, and wealthy campaign contributors. All this transpired while the President was on a presidential world tour of Asia, where he was scheduled to discuss trade policy but instead spent 45 minutes explaining his test results to a bewildered delegation of Japanese economists.
Trump did complain about one question he vaguely recalled regarding a baker’s dozen. “Who doesn’t know that a baker’s dozen is 12?” he asked incredulously. “What a stupid question. Good heavens, I’m smarter than the entire testing administration. Probably smarter than all the bakers too. I know bakers. Great people. But not as smart as me.”
When reporters on Air Force One queried about relative performance compared to his last one, an aide who requested anonymity (and possibly witness protection) said, “Well… not quite as good as that one, but close. Very close. Almost the same. Essentially identical if you squint and don’t think about it too hard.”