Five thousand hungry Americans gathered on the Ellipse yesterday after President Trump promised “a miracle” on Truth Social.
Trump appeared in a brown robe—”100% Egyptian cotton, very expensive”—and approached the microphone. “You’re starving. The fake news won’t tell you, but I’m here to save you. I am your Profit! Just like in the Bible, you will have loaves and fishes!”
The crowd surged as Trump hoisted two burlap bags emblazoned with “TRUMP” logos. “Take, eat, be satisfied!” The Secret Service formed a line as desperate hands reached through.
“This is a marshmallow,” said one woman, staring at her palm.
“I got one fish stick,” shouted a man. “ONE fish stick! For my family of four?!”
The crowd’s roar turned ugly. “We want food! We want food!” they chanted, pressing forward.
The Secret Service hustled Trump into his limousine as marshmallows and frozen fish sticks bounced off the armor plating. Through the tinted window, Trump could be seen texting.
Minutes later, a Truth Social post appeared: “INCREDIBLE turnout today! Thousands FED! They loved it! Fake news will say otherwise. Also, I looked AMAZING in that robe. Very Jesus-like. Maybe better?”
Mar-a-Lago announced the robes would be available for purchase at $499 each. “Miracles not included,” read the fine print.