“We’re not the only country who’s had a problem finding suitable places to export unwanted people,” said President Trump at Monday’s Press Conference. “Take Britain, for example, our mother country. They had problems with some lowlifes – criminals, drunkards, prostitutes. What’d they do? Shipped ‘em all out to Australia! Miles and miles of empty space. They built a whole country that way.”
Reporters noted that Australia was a separate and prosperous country now, likely to object to a major diversion of illegal immigrants. “No, no, no. I’m just saying do what the Brits did: send ‘em to an empty wasteland. Remember the phrase: ‘Location, location, location.’ And I’ve got one: Antarctica!”
As hands flew up with questions, Trump responded. “Hold up now. We can build some roads and houses, a few shopping centers. They’ll be fine!” As the clamor continued, he waived his hands. “Calm down. Look, I’ve been in Real Estate business my whole life. This is a good deal for them. They can make stuff, or grow something. We’ll homestead them so they can have icefields of their own.”
“What’ll they grow on a glacier?” asked a reporter from the Nome Alaska Herald Tribune. As the reporter was ushered out of the building, Trump replied, “Ice! For parties; for commercial uses like shipping, maybe cooling nuclear reactors. Let them figure it out! That’s what American capitalism is all about.”