In a hastily called news conference, Elon Musk claimed his biggest score yet in rooting out government waste and fraud. “$26 million! That’s how much just one government employee has cost American taxpayers. He has been absent from his work position more than two weeks in just the first two months of his job. I should have him fired under my provisional employee reduction decree.”
Reporters offered skepticism that one employee could run up such enormous expenses in such a short time. Rifling through papers on the podium, Musk said, “It’s true! I have the expense forms from several departments, all claiming reimbursement after paying the bills. Unnecessary travel. Expense account tallies. Hotel accommodations for … how does one person run up hotel bills for twenty people? He must be throwing parties, in … .” Musk reviewed more documents. “In West Palm Beach! What’s this, Spring Break?! This guy is toast!”
A DOGE official rushed the podium, drawing Musk’s attention to some of the papers before him while Musk continued talking. “Government fraud! Loose accounting with no accountability. $26 million in two months!” Pausing, he held a paper closer, then picked up another, and another. “Golf? He played golf 18 times? Ah! Here’s his identity.”
After a long pause, Musk said, “Well, everything seems to be in order. Thank you for coming.”
