President Trump today announced the creation of a new federal Department of Election Integrity, citing the need for the federal government to take over electoral tasks assigned to States by the U.S. Constitution.
“That constitutional stuff isn’t working. There’s fraud and waste and criminal stuff going on at the state level. My people, that is, the federal government needs to manage all the voting to make things turn out right; you know, legit,” said the president, speaking to reporters on Air Force One returning from another jaunt to Mar-A-Lago.
Asked for any data that would support such a suspicion, President Trump said, “Well, the 2020 election for starters! We just got millions of voting stubs from Georgia a few days ago. Our rapid analysis clearly shows that fraud was rampant. The states can’t be trusted anymore.” He refused to share the supporting analysis. “It’s obvious,” he added; “that’s all you need to know.”
Reporters were stunned by Trump’s next announcement of the new department’s leadership. “I’m appointing a man who’s very familiar with the kind of election fraud we’re talking about. He had to defend his own victory in Venezuela a few years ago. Yes, Nicolas Maduro is just the guy to run this scheme, I mean, this strategy.”
Asked whether he trusted the man he had recently captured in a nighttime raid, purportedly for drug crimes against the United States, the president replied, “He was treated very unfairly I think. Other leaders of Latin American countries got off scott-free! Anyway, it turned out he wasn’t sending in fentanyl, just pot and a little coke.” Hands shot up as garbled questions were shouted.
“Quiet! Quiet! Look, let’s not get caught up in all these drug accusations. Victorious countries sometimes do this, you know, let things go to bring in useful science. Like when we looked the other way and immigrated German rocket scientists after we single-handedly won World War II. Now we have the best rockets! That’s how it works.”
“Won’t the states sue to block such a flagrant violation of their constitutional rights?” asked a reporter from the Washington Post.
“Not you again. The Washington Post! I thought we had you booted off Air Force One. I’m gonna call Jeff. But I’ll answer the question anyway. They can sue all they like; but at this point, they’ll never get it past my Supreme Court. Our Supreme Court. The federal U.S. Supreme Court.” The president laughed a moment, then summarized. “It’ll bounce right off the backboard.”